Category: Parent Talk
For those of us who have kids, we all know about the dreaded punishment known to kids as time out. Even those of us who haven’t been blessed with kids yet still know what putting a child on time out can be like.
You’ve probably experienced putting a baby-sitting charge on a time out more times than you can count. Maybe a younger sibling or an unrelated charge. What was it Like the first time you had to do it? Were you able to do it easily or did you battle with yourself while trying to give every chance you could before having to go through with it? For some parents and baby-sitters it’s easy to do it, but for others it feels like your heart is breaking in two as you watch them sit there, crying over the injustice of it. While I plan to use time out for my own kids as well as taking away privileges for less than acceptable behavior, when I was forced to put my first charge on time out, I was the one fighting back tears.
For those of you who read my last post about volunteering at the daycare center, you might remember a little girl I mentioned named Kassie. Kass was a sweetheart and one of my favorites, even though I tried hard not to show it.
One day while I was volunteering, Kassie got into a little trouble. She and another little girl were arguing and Kassie ended up yelling at the other kid. The good news was she had used the new Spanish phrase I had just taught them earlier. The bad news was yelling at one another wasn’t’ acceptable in our room. Even though I was just a volunteer, the kids respected me as one of the teachers and obeyed me most of the time. I swiftly put the second kid on time out for taking something away from Kassie as though I did it every day. The reason I put the other kid on time out so quickly was because she had been misbehaving all day.
Anyway, I decided to give Kass another chance to be good. She was generally a good girl, but sometimes she slipped up. I explained that if she broke the rules one more time I was going to have to put her on time out. She promised she would try and be good. Fast forward to a half an hour later. I was playing with a few of the kids while the others had some free time before lunch and nap. I heard a small commotion near the book corner and went to see what was going on. I found Kassie and Abbey, as well as a few other kids fighting verbally over something. I don’t know what they were actually fighting over, but that’s not really important. I got them to work it out and all was fine. Then it happened. We were watching a movie since it was movie day and someone had brought in Lilo and Stitch. Shaianne was sitting on my lap nicely and watching the movie when Kassie came over to us. She sat down next to us and I reached down and patted her shoulder before ruffling her pigtails. Shaianne got up after a few minutes and sat down on my other side. Kass wasted no time in taking Shai’s spot on my lap. Gabriella, another little girl came over after a few minutes and asked if she could sit on my lap. I told her yes, but she would have to wait a little bit. She frowned, but sat down and waited. Kassie told me she was thirsty and she got off my lap to get a drink of water. Naturally, Gabbi quickly took her spot. Kassie came back and she wasn’t’ happy that Gabbi was sitting with me. She asked nicely for Gabbi to move and explained that she had been sitting with me and she wanted to sit with me again. Gabbi wouldn’t move. I tried to defuse the situation before it went too far, but I wasn’t successful. Before I Knew it, Kassie tried to push Gabbi off my lap. She didn’t’ push her hard, but it was enough. I explained to Gabbi that she had to get off before I had to talk to Kassie. She obeyed me and sat down next to me. I gave Shaianne the job of telling me what happened in the movie when I got back. She promised me she would. I took Kassie by the hand and told her that we had to talk. I lead her over to the story mat so we could talk alone. I knelt down to her level and explained that she had done something wrong. I asked her if she knew that pushing someone was wrong. She said yes in this soft tone as though she knew what was coming. I had to swallow hard to keep from crying. I loved Kassie as though she were mine. I can’t explain it, but we had a very strong connection. I felt sorry for her because I knew she was bullied at home by her older brother. He sometimes used violence with her to get what he wanted. Poor Jess probably thought she had to fight to get what she wanted here too, which wasn’t the case. But she was only three and didn’t understand that. I understood what she was going through due to my childhood, but I still had to show her that what she did was wrong. I explained that while she had done something bad, she herself wasn’t bad. I always made a point to explain that to any child when they misbehaved. She asked me if I had to punish her and I said yes while still trying to keep my emotions in check. “You’re going on time out for five minutes,” I explained gently but firmly. “I’ll come and talk to you when time out is over with. I need you to stay there and not move. Can you do that for me?” Kassie nodded and I could hear her sniffling as though she were about to cry. I praised her for her efforts not to move before getting up and moving away. I nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard Miss Elle, the teacher for room A asks me if I was okay. I turned around and faced her, still trying to keep from crying. I said no and explained what happened. By the time I was done, I was crying. Miss Elle gave me a hug and laughed softly. “Oh honey, Kassie will be fine. You didn’t ruin your friendship with her. She still loves you.” “Ba-but I put her on…and I love her so much and…” “And you proved that when you put her on time out. I Know it doesn’t feel good, but you’ll get used to it. I’m telling you, Kassie will be fine.” I nodded and pulled away just as I glanced down at my watch and pressed it to hear the time. I realized it was almost time to take Kassie off time out. I went over and knelt down in front of her once again. I gained her attention before starting to talk to her. I asked her why I had to put her on time out. She answered me and I affirmed her answer. I suggested that she apologize to Gabbi and she agreed. I let her off time out and Kassie confirmed Miss Elle’s words right away. She came over to me, gave me a hug and told me she loved me. I returned the affection and then we pulled away. I never had to put Kassie on another time out after that. That’s not to say she didn’t get into trouble from time to time. She just never got in trouble with me again.
How about the rest of you? Did you have a hard time putting your own children or siblings or baby-sitting charges on time out for the first time? How did you handle it? I’m interested to hear your stories!
I've never had an issue with putting my kids on timeout. I give them plenty of warning and it does not happen often, may be once every week or two, and these are 3 to 5-minute timeouts.
But you need to teach kids some things are wrong early and as a parent, and what I find is most important in raising kids is to be consistent and do what you say you are going to do. Kids have to know what to expect from you, whether you promise to let them watch a movie, give them candy or give them a timeout, you must follow through with what you say.
It's never bothered me really, because they do it to themselves, and they never blame me for it and it does not create any animosity, they know what they did and why they got a timeout, we talk about it before and after, and everyone is friends again.
If used spraingly these can be great tools, I do not belive in any sort of physical punishment though and would not allow anyone else to do that to my kids either, fortunately our day care provider is also a good friend of ours and has the same ideas.
Cheers
-B
Awesome! I def agree with you on no physical forms of punishment.
I feel that you handled the situation in the daycare pretty well, though, it was difficult. I am also like you when it comes to children. I have a very soft spot for them, and I cannot bear to hear them cry, not even a baby. I have worn my godchildren in slings in their infancy when I would watch them, so they would not cry. It was kind of neat, too. The babies came along and interracted with me, as I went about my business. It was not burdensome at all. It was very refreshing. I loved their closeness and never got tired of them. And with the sling, my hands were free, and I was able to cook, clean, work, and do whatever else I wanted to do. I will always wear my babies, until they indicate that they no longer want to do that.
When I have to discipline a child, I try very hard to implement the advice outlined by awesome Dr. Sears. He is one of my favorite professionals as it relates to parents and children. I do have others. You can check out a whole ton of cool advice at www.askdrsears.com He gives a guide on how to handle just about anything, which I find to be pretty neat and helpful with my encounters with children. I plan to implement Dr. Sears' methods with my own children, too.
Aloha! Awesome! I'll def check it out. Do you mind if I send you a PM?
I do more grade school stuff and I would do more of the lecturing even as a parent. and I never worked with very young kids, but you know if you did something wrong though you know you were in the long hall with me trying tto give you the lecture on how not to be such an idiot. well not exactly an idiot but a foolhardy abnoxious immature whatever, so you know they would get the how it was bad why it was bad and reasoning and more reasoning and how they need to be and how I better see improvement. I could probably have given detentions but I didn't just shouted and shouted some more I remember being that kid and being in detention I know it doesn't always work. shouting can be effective but I also use some other methods.
I have put violet in a one minute time out and then I let go and let her go.
She likes to throw fits she times.
And it is scary right now because we have tile at our house but I hold her or put her on my shoulder and pat her back until the fit is over.
For my daughter, I tend to use time out as a calming down time. it isn't a punisment, it is just a time for her to sit quietly by herself, and settle hersel down. I don't mind if she has a toy or a book that she plays with while there, as long as she comes away in the end a happier person, which she usually does.
And then she usually comes ove for a cuddle as I guess, her form of an appology.
Am sure will get talked about up and down but I was totally raised spare the rod spoil the child. I have no problem putting kids on time out but do believe with some like my wild self when I was growing up a good old spank gets the point across. Sometimes the nice little time out approach just does not work in my mind.
I agree. Although I also understand that some parents take spanking too far. My x fiance was like that. She spanked her kids so often that they got to the point where it didn't phase them. And she was extremely inconsistent when it came to discipline.
I agree with a newheart. Like Bryan said, just don't use it for everything. Moderation is key in everything you do and I just place the child on the floor between my knees for time-out. 1 minute per year of age. Whatever discipline you use, just make sure you take some time for yourself and get a few deep breaths in so you are cool, calm and collected and make sure you end the disciplinary action whether it's a lecture, a spanking or time-out with a hug and a brief discussion of why you don't allow such behavior and that said child is a good girl or boy and you love them no matter what they do. Good luck.
Faith in God, I really loved your way of handling the day care situation. My wife is expecting a child soon, and I only pray I'll be as patient and kind. I'm a little terrified of children, but I think when I have my own, I'll feel better. I think it's extremely important to try and connect with your child at all times. To praise their triumphs and council their folly. Getting actually angry likely won't help, because at a young age they may not fully comprehend what they've done. That said, I also think diciplin is important. Laying out rules, following through, and being just and fare. I'm not opposed to a spanking in extreme situations if all else fails, but I don't believe in being violent with them.
while I think that timeout needs to be viewed as a form of discipline I don't think that it is a form of punishment per se.
I think timeout gives good opportunity for both the parent and the child to come out of the situation they are in, because if you spend endless time trying to reason with/shout at a child then it ends up with the child being more upset and the parent being more frustrated.
But for those who agree with smacking, ask yourself this:
When you smack a child, is it an impulse reaction? i.e. do you do it out of sheer frustration because nothing else has worked? And if so, then surely it is not a reasoned form of discipline - you have hit your child because you have lost control.
And if you smack as a form of punishment i.e. "you were naughty at school today" smack smack, then that shows planning - you have planned to inflict physical violence on your child. How do you justify that?
Furthermore, how do you reconcile the belief that:
It is not ok for a man to hit a woman.
It is not ok for a woman to hit a man.
It is not ok for a child to hit and adult.
It is not ok for a child to hit another child.
But
It is ok for an adult to hit a child?
How do you teach children that hitting is wrong if you yourself hit them? - the simple answer is you don't.
Any parent can snap and lash out in the heat of a moment, or out of fear i.e. to slap a child's hand away from a hot pan, for instance. But there is a difference between that and planning to use physical violence as a punishment/form of discipline.
I was smacked as a child and I am of the "It didn't do me any harm," school of thought. But that doesn't mean that I consider it an appropriate form of discipline..
and to the op, do think twice before naming someone else's child for whom you are responsible in a professional setting, where no doubt you are bound to confidentiality, on a message board that is accessible to anyone surfing the internet. While I'm sure it's unlikely the parents of this child would ever happen across this post, I would be none too impressed as a parent if I thought my child was being discussed on the internet by someone who was looking after them in a caring capasity.
You raise a valid point Sugarbaby. All I can say is for me, it would be a last resort and would depend solely on the situation. Obviously I can't know how I'll react until the time comes, but I agree that those who strike on impulse may not have the child's best interests in mind. Hopefully it will not be an issue. Unfortunately I will raise a child in an age where my views, as gentle as they may be in comparison to some terrible parents, is still considered wildly unpopular. I'll simply say this. I'm not a uspporter of beating a child. I'm not a supporter of emotionally or verbally abusing a child as happens far too often, and I'm not a supporter of letting a child have their own way all the time, something I see far too often too.
I agree with claire completely. Even as a small child, I always saw spanking as a sign of weakness. My parents were losing control of their temper; that's how I saw it, so even though it wasn't pleasant, I always knew I had the ability to make them lose control. Whether they really were, or it really was intended as punishment, that's how I viewed the spankings.
Interesting.